Feelings Heart of Therapy

I often come across clients who suddenly start to have panic attacks. On the surface they look very together and rational. It is beyond them why they would be hit by such anxiety.

The reason is they are in touch with their mind but not their feelings. They are fearful and avoidant of feelings, or see them as weak, silly or inconvenient. The very problem with this, is that feelings that get suppressed over time will turn into anxiety, depression, and other issues. They are like balloons pushed under the water. The pressure will build.

Feelings can make us uneasy and uncomfortable. Children learn to avoid feelings from a very young age as they know it can cause tension within themselves. I still remember how my 5-year-old turned away when I asked how he felt when he had to change school. Adults know that too well. On top of that, the social learnings have taught them to be rational civilized reasonable humans who need to maintain a certain image. Over time, this image becomes not only for others but also for ourselves.

On the other hand, feelings are the most natural thing. They are a gift. They make us human. They bond us. My heart melts and my tears well up when I hear the emotions in a person’s story. We meet in a special place and healing happens. It is such a treasure. 

Feelings also reveal important information. Anger may tell me my boundary has been crossed. Sadness may tell me to slow down and be gentle with myself. Hurt may say something about the other person, even more about myself, my inner child and my past. Feelings sing to my existence, on a heart level.

Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic therapy approach, believes that empathy is “a healing agent and one of the most potent aspects of therapy”. Understanding and empathizing the clients help them release, confirm their emotional experience, which is powerfully empowering. This just brought to mind the many times in couple work, when I ask how one person feels after being really listened to by the partner, they report “I feel loved”.

By Sherry Carter  23/8/2021

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